dr_cuddy

[Personal]

I know I have neglected this journal for a while, and my only excuse is work, but then that has always been my response, and probably why I never noticed what went wrong with Mike.

I am heading out on a real date with who I hope is a real man. His name is Christopher and he is 40, never been married and I can’t get Mike out of my mind.

Mike and I dated for three years, he even moved into my home and it felt perfect. We didn’t have a driving overwhelming passion for each other, I always figured that would burn out, better to have a lasting respect for each other.

I guess my first red flag with Mike was he was a better cook then I am, and he was better at picking out paint colors. But I just told myself that was passing judgment. And I couldn’t lump him into the same kettle as all the stereotypes.

The second red flag was when he started going to Yoga 3 times a week and started to lose interest in sex. It seemed like we were so established and he always gave me attention I didn’t really notice, until KiKi asked me, I couldn’t remember. My job had become my best relationship and Mike was slipping away.

So, I took a risk. I left work early, wanted to surprise him with a little afternoon delight, I found my boyfriend in bed with his male yoga instructor, I am not sure if it would have been better if it was a girl. I was crushed, devastated and unable to think rationally.

I got rid of him and our bed and told my friends that it just didn’t work out. Only KiKi knows what really happened. She knows how much Kyle changed me. I was dead inside because I was afraid to be alive.

But now I am worried. Forty and never married, that is the one thing that is really bugging me. I hope I am ready for this. I’ve already been through several vibrators.. I figure they will won’t disappoint me, I hope I am ready for the real thing.

Damn, it’s late need to get ready for my date.

[/personal]

Happy Saint Patricks Day Everyone.. Remember to party safely and get a designated driver.

[OOC note: This is going to be the start of some e-mail communication with Cuddy and her best friend in California. Kristen and Cuddy went to college and med school together, about six years ago Kristen fell in love and gave up medicine to be a wife and mother. She is incredibly happy with her life and hopes for the same from her best friend. They have pet names for each other that they have had since freshman year: Kiki and LiLi]

[e-mail]
KiKi,

I know I have been a terrible friend to you lately. I can only blame work, I wish I could tell you that I am having sex every night in new wonderful positions, but alas, the well is pretty dry, more then dry abandoned. I signed up for J date, you know how persuasive my mother in. *sigh*

We are at the end of a review cycle and starting a budget cycle, if you don’t hear from me I’m buried under paper. Send some sexy firemen STAT. *smile*

I miss you and I know we need to talk soon, I thought you would want to know, that I actually have two dates from JDate this weekend.

As you are so fond of saying, here is the breakdown:

Friday night dinner- Christopher Jacobson, he is 40 never been married, techno- nerd who happens to own his own company. They manufacturer something, I am sure I will get details over dinner. He travels often, so he’s not in town much, he is looking for some one to build a relationship with.

Sunday Morning – tennis- Sky Patterson, he is divorced no kids and 43 years old. He is head of ER at Sacred Heart and keeps really active. He loves sports to participate in more then watch. He works about 80 hours a week, and wants someone to hang out.

I am not sure of I am ready for a serious relationship I am still recovering from Kyle. This is the first step, I am a little nervous. Not quite she what to wear. God I hate feeling 15 again.

I hope Jacob is doing well, he is not traveling right now… right? Give my god kids a kiss. I need new pictures of the little angels.

We will catch up later I promise-

Kisses and hugs..

LiLi [/e-mail]

[Personal]

This has been a hard week. That would explain my lack of posting yesterday. The employee reviews are going as well as can be expected. I have not yet been able to track down House and frankly, I am not sure I am ready for the abuse. I really want to be a good leader, but sometimes I want to tell people to stop bitching and start doing. Day after day I hear all about what is wrong and very few people offer me suggestions on how to improve operations. Sometimes it is hard to lead when I feel like I am always getting pushed.

My mother won and I replied to two of the four e-mails from Jdate. One guy is a CEO for a local medium size company. He seems like he could be decent. He is forty and never been married, which really can be a huge red flag. If he replies back then I will take the plunge and actually go out on a date. The second e-mail is from a doctor at another hospital. He is quite accomplished and head of the ER, he sounds really busy and is looking for someone to hang out with when he is not on call.

I need to order groceries, it is pretty embarrassing when all you can offer a guest in your home is some ketchup, mustard and olives. I have so little time to cook and no time for actual grocery shopping.

It is nine pm, it has been a long day. I am headed home. Been thinking about a kitten, it would be nice to have someone waiting for me when I returned home at night.

[/personal]

For the enjoyment of all PPTH staff

( It is story time  )

[private]
So, practice makes perfect or something like that. Reviews this week will be quite a drain on me. It is so hard to be honest with people and encourage them.

Dr. Wilson responded right away. I do worry about James. He has seemed so lost lately. I fear his marriage is crumbling and with the melt down House has been heading for, I worry he will have no one to lean on. I know I am his boss and I wish there was some way to offer him comfort with out it appearing to be sexual harassment. Hopefully, I will get a chance to meet with him tomorrow and get a good idea how he is. The Oncology dept has done great work under his leadership and I have to make sure he knows what a difference he makes to not only his department but to the hospital as well.

Dr. House has not responded yet to my request. I am not surprised. I figure he is trying to con Cameron into completing them. If he did not fight the system then it would not all be so hard on him. I know he is in pain, but inflicting pain on everyone else really does nothing to diminish his pain, it only spreads more of it around. He is my cross to bare.

Hopefully the rest of the dept heads will contact me, tracking them down is not part of my job description.

I had four e-mails from J-date this morning, now I need to decide if I am going to go through with it.

It is six pm. That is early for me to escape this place, that is a good thing, I keep telling my self that.

[/private]

Reminder to all staff: Please clean out the fridges in your break rooms, the science experiments take place in labs, not in places where we eat.

It’s almost seven pm and I am trying to collect my thoughts before I leave. My therapist suggests that I write down my day to day frustrations before I leave for the day and perhaps that will help me to actually enjoy my time away from this place. I’m not sure I believe her but it is worth a try.

Clinic crisis yet again today, out of all my duties this is the one that makes me want to stick hot pokers in my brain, just so I can erase the daily struggle to treat the patients that stream in. Dr. House would have everyone believe that he is the only doctor placed in clinic hell against his will, honestly all the chiefs resent that I make them put the time in. Dr. House just happens to be the least discreet about it. I am bombarded with reasons why they just can’t make it. I am tired of it and sick of fighting with them. I just want the clinic hours covered and I am close to employing Dr House’s version of clinic staff: A bunch of monkeys with Motrin. Today we saw 150 clinic patients, and yes, Dr. House is right most of them just need a little attention and reassurance, but that does not diminish that they come here for help even if it is just psychological, as doctors we are under the obligation to help them out, even if it is just reassurance and handholding. Tomorrow I will come in and fight the same battle; I need to find a way to solve this.

My mother’s nagging finally won out and I joined ‘J-date’
They claim over 9,000 members; maybe one of them is looking for an overworked chief of medicine to keep them warm when I am able to escape the hospital. I don’t hold out much hope of finding someone who will put up with my hours, but my mom insists that I get out there and marry so I can bring her lots of Jewish grandchildren, I am not sure that is what I want for my life, but I let her guilt me into at least dating, hopefully I will know what I want, if anything ever becomes serious.

I do love my job, but sometimes it is so isolating. I am the ‘boss’, so friendships are few and far between. I know what is going on when I walk down the wards and nurses shush themselves, or when I walk into a break room and it goes silent. People want to hide from me, not say anything that might be seen ‘inappropriate’ doctor behavior. Honestly, if they slept with hookers all night, lived in a commune, I really don’t care, as long as they come in and do their job, in a professional manner. I know the community is more uptight and has some odd notions of what a doctor or nurse should be, but be discreet and do your job, that’s my motto. Too bad I don’t have to torrid home life to go with it.

Tomorrow is the start of the annual review process, I need to meet with all the department heads and review their work for the year. It is the one time a year I am guaranteed quality time with my staff. The budget review process will begin in a month or so.

I am not sure if I feel any better, but I am ready to get out of here and into a nice hot bath with candles and music. I think I will pick up some curry for dinner.

What did Scarlett say? “Tomorrow is another day.”